Everyone else is wrong.

Some people have some screwed up opinions of what a time machine might be. We explore them:


A motorcycle? Come on. This is neither made from recyclable materials OR a real idea. That's like saying that your toaster is the gateway to hell.



This is libel. Professional cyclists around the world sit crying on the side of the road when they suddenly realize their bike is not ACTUALLY going to transport them to the finish. I mean, come on, even if it did, how would you actually get away with that? Lance can't even get away with showering before he pees in a cup.


HAHAHA. I've never seen a more true photo.


Not even Achim could understand what this is attempting to be.

There is only one real thing. And we've got it.

Lost 2009: A Season in Review

WHAT HAPPENED AT THE END OF THE SEASON FINALE OF LOST????

Some possible conclusions to Lost's season of plagiarism and flat-out ROBBING from our endless bank of time travel knowledge:

1. Lost is going back in time to before they ripped us off like we were Costa Rican tourists. (We consider this reconciliation, and not unregulated time travel.) They can rewrite the 5th season, and we can pretend we never even saw the island setting foot in our time machine.
2. The producers suddenly realized that not all their ideas, or really any, were their own (except for the one where they chose for Sawyer and Kate NOT to hook up...why would we deprive viewers of that?) and decided to end it once and for all. Green with envy, and possibly vertigo (from all that time traveling), they realized they couldn't even BUY creativity like ours. (Though they didn't. even. try.)
3. Is there even a point of a third reason? Let's be honest, the ABC writers are sad and lonely and writing episodes only out of a sick, SICK love of confusing people beyond their realm of possible confused-ness. We have long since given up hope that the last and final season will answer every and all questions we have ever had. And, no time machine will change that.

The only logical choice we have left is to go FORWARD in time. You might wonder how this will help the situation. If we bow down to the ABC writers who have brought us countless hours of headache and forced us to watch and re-watch that one episode when they kept adding and subtracting 3 year periods, and say "Hey you, writer of all things totally effed, the joke is actually on you." We can turn forward the time and save ourselves all the time and effort we could have (and face it, probably would have) put toward understanding Einstein's time travel theories (which we are SURE the ABC writers have studied diligently).

Instead of waiting for 2010 in apprehension of a BRAND NEW, and probably more confusing season of Lost, the only logical choice we have is to set our clocks to 2011 and say "Fuck off, Lost. Not this time."