A Letter From a (Future) Time Traveler

Dear Time Traveling Enthusiasts,

As my civic duty requires, I am writing to inform you of my impending journey through
time. On the first day of January 2011 I will break the time-space continuum to travel
1 day into the unknown and mysterious future. Uh Oh.. Unknown? Technically, no.
Because, as I am sure you are wondering, my time journey will be regulated.

It is a relief to myself as well, and an equally exciting discovery. We, homo-sapiens of
the 21st century, have achieved regulated time travel! Yes, champagne please.

What is that you say?

How?

That is the 65 thousand dollar question. And, honestly, it is a little beyond my Liberal
Arts BA education. But what I can tell you: something about taking an international
flight, going West, and possibly when you fly Quantas. I will be conducting more
research into this. What I do know is that in less than a day I will move through time
from January 1st to January 3rd. Needless to say I am excited to see what the future holds.

I know I am not the only one destined to experience this, and I will be obliged to hear
your tales from the chronological beyond. Farwell for now, and happy travels.

Your fellow time-traveler,

Eric “Australia here I come” Whiskey

Morgan Freeman, Black Holes, and Time Travel

Recently the Science Channel has been BLOWING OUR MINDS with its series Morgan Freeman's Through the Wormhole. The third episode entitled "Is Time Travel Possible?" explores any of the time travel theories that we have covered in our blog. We were unable to be interviewed for this episode because we were busy with biking tours through America's dairy land, cross country road trips, graduation celebrations. I know what you are thinking -- why didn't you just use your time machine to go back in time and film the interview. Believe me, we thought about it. However, we decided that this would fall under UNREGULATED time travel. As you all know our time travel code of ethics does not allow us to use our machine for any unregulated time traveling, therefore we are not able to provide an interview. Instead, our experts watched the recent episode and have given it our stamp of approval. Here we will briefly discuss some of the show's interpretations.

I think everyone would agree with me when I say that some of the information will leave the naive time travel supporter depressed. We are told that if the universe rotated quickly we could time travel, but it can't. We are also told the black holes are NOT time machines because they would kill us. The uneducated might give up on time travel all together. However, all of us here at our laboratory can assure you that time travel is absolutely still possible. We have a number of theories that went unmentioned in this documentary, mostly because we were not there to present them. While we would have been happy to have the time travel experts who were interviewed explain our theories, they told us that they did not feel comfortable explaining such brilliant science. We understand.

After watching the full episode, I think we can all agree that a successful time machine will have the voice of Morgan Freeman in the TPS system (a TPS system is similar to a GPS, but for time). If you didn't think time travel was possible before watching this episode, surely Morgan Freeman's voice can convince you that time travel is possible. We are currently working with Freeman's people to see if he could do a show focusing on the dangers of unregulated time travel. Governing bodies around the world would have no choice but to address unregulated time travel as a pressing political issue.

Think about it... if we had a time machine we probably wouldn't allow BP to unload a shit ton of oil in the ocean. Such use of a time machine would not only be regulated, but morally required.

Check out this link to see some clips from Through the Wormhole: http://science.discovery.com/videos/through-the-wormhole-time-travel/

Hot Tub Time Machine

Perhaps one of the most highly anticipated theories of time travel since The Time Traveler’s Wife’s emotionally exhausting (and unregulated) theory has recently been explored in the new film Hot Tub Time Machine. I know what you’re thinking – GAME ON. What could be more convenient than enjoying a hot tub dip with your friends and traveling back (or forwards, of course) in time. As perhaps the most well respected authority on time travel, our blog was specially selected to view and advanced screening of the film, and to provide some insight on their theories. After viewing the film we can guarantee that you will enjoy some laughs (seriously… I’ve seen the future...), but we wouldn’t recommend planning your future (and past) around this theory of time travel.

First, a quick overview of the Hot Tub Time Machine Time Travel Model (often referred to as H(TTM)2 in scientific papers). Three friends decide to visit a lodge they enjoyed one weekend back in 1986. When they (and a nephew) arrive everything in the lodge is completely run down – that is everything but their hot tub. While in the hot tub they spill an illegal Russian Red Bull type thing on some wiring in the hot tub. Next thing they know they are back in 1986! They appear to themselves and others as the boys they were in 1986, which means that the nephew, who was not yet conceived flickers in and out.

One character asks if they will blow up if they run into their other selves. Actually, in this version, they are their other selves. This is a different take than that of both Star Trek and The Time Travelers Wife, and while I would like to believe that this is what would happen, simple physics and mathematics show that this is strictly fantasy. However, the film does have a valid point by suggesting that there was an energy vortex similar to that of a black hole in the hot tub. We have long suggested that this is the basic understanding of time travel. Of course, we have been working on some new and exciting things that we are unable share with you at this time (although we will not be surprised if our ideas are stolen and show up as the LOST series finale).

In order to ensure that their actions back in 1986 do not affect the future, the four men decide that they have to do everything exactly the same way they did it the first time. Obviously they were right to think that their new actions in 1986 will affect the future. In fact, what some of them choose to do illustrates a perfect argument for time travel regulation. I will not get into the details (spoiler alert!) but will be happy to field any questions concerning the topic.

Hot Tub Time Machine is an inventive and entertaining portrayal of the possibilities (and obvious impossibilities) of time travel. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll hurl. For those of you who want to give the H(TTM) 2 a try, here are the steps:

1. Obtain Russian energy drink with nitrotrumedium
2. Heat hot tub to 104 degrees F
3. Spill Russian energy drink on hot tub wiring
4. At this point you should be time traveling

Of course, this won’t work. To quote one of the time travelers from the film, “I know the fucking future, douche bag,” and this is NOT how time traveling works.
In other news, the “big fucking deal” of a health care bill was recently passed. Why did so many conservatives refuse to support the bill? Maybe it was the section about health care and time travel. Our scientists (who actually supplied the research for President Obama) stand by the bill’s call for REGULATED TIME TRAVEL in order to ensure the health and safety of past, present, and future persons existing in our and other linear places in time. Fuck if I’m going to let some big company control who does and does not receive permission to travel through time.