What else more would I need besides a time machine?

By Guest Blogger Mikey C.

Well that really depends. What kind of time machine are we talking about here? The HG Wells novel, the awful movie, or the program on Macs that saves all my information? Even though all those things are special in their own way, we all know the first thing that comes to mind is that smoking hot DeLorean and smashing the space time continuum and being time travelers. And I know that if I was a time traveler I would want to see myself at some point in time, which makes me believe there are time travelers among us. (If time travelers are here I bet they understand the importance of creating an alternative reality and probably have invisibility cloaks like Harry Potter.) Time traveling would shatter the definition of history and turn it into a historical science by realizing the full extent of time relativity making visiting your past self almost like walking into a moving museum. But its important to understand this and realize that unregulated time travel would be dangerous to human existence and time travelers must abide by laws and rules to make it happen. Hawking argues that the way nature is created a time machine will never be built because people would ruin existence. But I believe that with proper regulations we can all time travel freely and enjoy ourselves in any relative space. And we would need nothing more.

An Espresso Shot Away from Abduction

By Guest Blogger
For months we’ve discussed and debated the rights and wrongs of time travel by Humans. We know it’s kind of a big deal, and therefore, like crossing the border from the US to Canada, time travel needs regulation. Naturally there needs to be police, k-9 units, and a Nexus lane. This of course leads to questions, are you limited on times you can travel to? Can you pick up hitchhikers? Is marijuana legalized while time traveling?

These are all legitimate questions, but once you’re done deciding if returning a blazed Abraham Lincoln to Gettysburg is trespassing on the time-space continuum, we must approach a more pressing topic, time travel by extraterrestrial beings.

It’s been a long proven fact that extraterrestrial beings, or aliens, have possessed the mechanisms of time travel. Throughout history they have abducted individuals from our planet and taken them on mind blowing rides through time and space. Sounds fun doesn’t it? BUT are those epic and stimulating cruises regulated? What if an alien’s flying saucer is hit by a rogue asteroid near Pluto? Who is responsible for the abductees’ early demise? Clearly this matter should be settled by the judicial system. I foresee a new court of law in our terrestrial future, Universal Law. So, if you’re studying international law, national law or even just state law, quit it. Start studying Universal Law, you could sue aliens for sweet trips through time.


Note: This blogger prefers to remain anonymous, but professes his undying love for this blog and all things time travel-related.

ATTENTION ALL LOVERS OF TIME TRAVEL!!!!!

Are your nightly dreams filled with dancing time machines and a world where time travel is regulated like underage drinking? Do you pee the bed at least twice a month during nightmares involving Miley Cyrus as the lead role in the remake of Glitter?

Well, today might be your day.

We are proud to announce our NATION-WIDE SEARCH FOR GUEST BLOGGERS!!!!!!

Though no one can possibly know more about time travel than we do, we want at least one person, ideally more, to give it a go. We will treat all applications for guest blogging according to 1) time travel experience, 2) if you are a celebrity, and 3) if your favorite singer is Cher.

Please contact us at kendi.thomas@gmail.com and we will check your eligibility.

SPACE! The final frontier... and then time travel

JJ Abrams has been refusing to talk with us about the portrayal of time travel on his hit show that is going nowhere (Lost). His most recent endeavor, Star Trek, also deals with time travel, and provides a perfect argument for regulated time travel. After seeing his planet destroyed, Nero decides to go back in time to 25 years earlier and destroy all federation planets. If time travel is unregulated, we are going to have some scary mother fuckers from the future trying to destroy our planet. Sixty six billion rational beings died because one asshole found out how to time travel and no one was regulating. Do you think this would have happened had there been some regulators?

The film also partially explains how they are able to travel through time. People in the film are able to travel through time by going through a black hole that they created. This is accomplished with a mysterious “red matter.” What is this red matter? I have been doing some experiments with red materials, and I am able to rule out the following: strawberries, cherries, beets, and hot sauce. Too bad.

It should be noted that while this movie was super entertaining and awesome it also has some interesting things to say about time travel. The film correctly asserts that when a person goes back in time he alters history – a new chain of events that cannot be predicted unfolds, and an alternate reality is created. Time travel, then, is some pretty serious business. To some, going back in time and changing history is cheating. To us, it’s a logical way to stop climate change. And meet JFK. And travel the Oregon Trail.

In the middle of the movie, the Spock who has traveled 25 years back in time meets with that hottie Captain Kirk, who had just been thrown off the space ship by the Spock existing in the present. The Spock who time traveled tells Kirk that he cannot tell young Spock that he exists, or something crazy on a cosmic degree will happen. However, at the end, we learn that this is complete bullshit; the two Spocks can meet, making it possible to be in two places at once. Does that mean you can be in 10 places at once? Twenty five? What if more Spocks went back in time? How many Spocks can meet before the universe implodes?

Perhaps the most important question was asked by some technician. When he meets the time travel Spock from the future, he asks, “do they still have sandwiches there?” Great question. I certainly hope so. I like tomato on toast with salt. Maybe the red matter is tomatoes?

Everyone else is wrong.

Some people have some screwed up opinions of what a time machine might be. We explore them:


A motorcycle? Come on. This is neither made from recyclable materials OR a real idea. That's like saying that your toaster is the gateway to hell.



This is libel. Professional cyclists around the world sit crying on the side of the road when they suddenly realize their bike is not ACTUALLY going to transport them to the finish. I mean, come on, even if it did, how would you actually get away with that? Lance can't even get away with showering before he pees in a cup.


HAHAHA. I've never seen a more true photo.


Not even Achim could understand what this is attempting to be.

There is only one real thing. And we've got it.

Lost 2009: A Season in Review

WHAT HAPPENED AT THE END OF THE SEASON FINALE OF LOST????

Some possible conclusions to Lost's season of plagiarism and flat-out ROBBING from our endless bank of time travel knowledge:

1. Lost is going back in time to before they ripped us off like we were Costa Rican tourists. (We consider this reconciliation, and not unregulated time travel.) They can rewrite the 5th season, and we can pretend we never even saw the island setting foot in our time machine.
2. The producers suddenly realized that not all their ideas, or really any, were their own (except for the one where they chose for Sawyer and Kate NOT to hook up...why would we deprive viewers of that?) and decided to end it once and for all. Green with envy, and possibly vertigo (from all that time traveling), they realized they couldn't even BUY creativity like ours. (Though they didn't. even. try.)
3. Is there even a point of a third reason? Let's be honest, the ABC writers are sad and lonely and writing episodes only out of a sick, SICK love of confusing people beyond their realm of possible confused-ness. We have long since given up hope that the last and final season will answer every and all questions we have ever had. And, no time machine will change that.

The only logical choice we have left is to go FORWARD in time. You might wonder how this will help the situation. If we bow down to the ABC writers who have brought us countless hours of headache and forced us to watch and re-watch that one episode when they kept adding and subtracting 3 year periods, and say "Hey you, writer of all things totally effed, the joke is actually on you." We can turn forward the time and save ourselves all the time and effort we could have (and face it, probably would have) put toward understanding Einstein's time travel theories (which we are SURE the ABC writers have studied diligently).

Instead of waiting for 2010 in apprehension of a BRAND NEW, and probably more confusing season of Lost, the only logical choice we have is to set our clocks to 2011 and say "Fuck off, Lost. Not this time."